Of Ultimate Disappointment

Yeah right. This is not a fricking holiday. This is a fricking workliday. I need my sleep, damn it. Damn you, school. I hate you. You make me sick (which I am now, no voice, burning head). You stop me from pursuing my love (although you carry the name of my love this semester).

How I wish I knew what would happen in March 2010. Damn it. It feels so far away. I hate school. I hate school. At this rate, get a degree and endure fricking mugging? NO FRICKING WAY. I am so not cut out for mugging and suffering the mindless exams that seriously have no impact on your life later at all.

I hate that in Singapore you need a paper. That truly sucks. That really sucks. Someone told me to not stop studying now, that I am blessed to be studying and not working now. But I am not happy. Period. Shouldn't life be all about making yourself happy?

Someone give me 10 good reasons why I should get a fricking degree.

I AM TERRIBLY FKING SICK OF DISAPPOINTMENT.

I am disappointed that after so much effort
for all the lectures I paid attention closely to,
for all the pen inks that have been sacrificed to write notes,
for countless time spent on assignments,
all the brainwork,
all the mugging,
all the liaisons with lecturers,
the grades NEVER show do they?

It has been like this since secondary school and I am tired.
Really tired of all the disappointment.
It's just not gonna happen is it? SO much effort, but do I see Edusave Bursaries? Edusave Scholarships? Top positions? Directors' Honours List? CGPA 3.5? Nope. Others who never pump in the effort, the commitment, wow, achieve the abovementioned. Seriously? 0.0?

Year by year, I get disappointed. And year by year, the disappointment gets even worse and demoralising. Because as the years go by, the studies get even difficult and intense, but as I increase my effort and commitment, I also fall steadily harder. And it really hurts to see others 'succeeding' in their terms. It hurts that all my effort has gone to waste.

No DHLs, no Edusave Scholarships, no top positions, a seriously cannot make it GPA of 3.11 (I just checked. HAPPY NOW, CERTAIN UNDESIRABLE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN STALKING MY BLOG?)

FOR ONCE, CAN I PLEASE MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

I know the six months I was there, I was very very happy.

I stressed more,
I cried harder,
I worried quadruple-fold more.
But I was happy.
I truly was.
And the best part: never once was I disappointed.

There was a lot of stress, tears, worry, angst,
but NEVER disappointment.
It was all worth it. Damn satisfying.
Never had it once disappointed me.
NEVER. I promise you. It has never.
In fact, I've never felt so satisfied, relieved, stressed, all in a day.
I will bring the feelings and six-month experience to my grave.
I will never forget this till my last breath.

DAMN IT SCHOOL. DAMN IT.

OMG. I just had a sudden realisation (theres a term for this in MedSoc). I need to go back after my diploma. I really do.

One thing for sure, I need not think about management position for now (which needs a degree). Now, I should focus on building my portfolio, pursuing excellent stories. Management and the degree requirement can come later. I am not gonna be a fricking manager now what.

I am going back. Insya allah, I am going back.

Deras hujan yang turun
Aku menangis memeluk bayangmu
Derai airmataku
Membasuh hati terluka kau tinggalkan aku

Cinta putih yang kan kau beri
namun tak sempat kau ungkapkan
mengisi kehampaan hati ku di sini

Sebening embun pagi
luruh menetes di dedaunan
Ku tangisi kepergianmu cinta......

Kehampaan Hati, Acha Septriasa
------------------------------------------------------------------

Memang padan muka. Padan muka kena bermakan hati, berulam jantung, sekali lagi dalam hidup.

Kau cintakan dia, tetapi mati-mati kau menafikannya. Sekarang, terimalah padahnya. Dia sudah beralih arah, meninggalkan diri kau yang betul-betul tidak mengenal erti cinta. Kau telah membazirkan peluang keemasan yang kau ada.

Kau seharusnya berkata jujur, kau seharusnya berani menegakkan cintamu. Kini, dia terlepas dari tanganmu begitu sahaja. Kau cintakannya, kau cintakannya, tetapi kau menafikannya. Kau menolak dirinya sekeras-kerasnya. Dia telah menghulurkan salam cintanya kepadamu, namun, kau menolak.

Kini, terimalah padah. Kau meraunglah sendiri meratap nasib. Padan muka. Memang padan muka. Ya Allah, dia telah memberi utusan kasihnya kepadamu, namun, egomu mengatasi segala-galanya kan? Kau lebih mementingkan ego sendiri daripada mendapatkan kehangatan kasih kan? Ya kan? Dia telah memberimu peluang sejak tujuh tahun yang lalu. Kau tahu dia memberimu peluang.

Namun, kau tetap mensia-siakannya. Kini, dia pergi menjauh. Kau? Di sini, kekal meratapi nasib. Kekal. Dia mengecapi bahagia, kau bernista kesedihan sendiri. Kau memang. Perempuan yang tak kenal erti cinta.

Obscenity's The Word

It is really obscene that I have been blogging half-heartedly. I'm usually not like this. During SIP was even worse, as I went MIA. But today, I'll do a full, proper entry.

Before that, allow me to share with you some memories of me with my SIP company. Oh gosh, I miss these people a lot.

Start of Term

The start of school was kind of traumatic I must say? I could not get used to the school environment, where we are slapped with measly and nitty-gritty assignments that will never have an impact on our careers later.

I miss my SIP company a lot. The first two weeks of school was horrible, because pangs of guilt, sadness, pining have come knocking on my raw, sobbing heart. I could not focus well, and damn, I never once, not for even one second stopped thinking about what I have left behind to do what I am doing now.

It's been three awfully damn, damn, long years and I can't wait for graduation. I've cried and suffered a tad too much and I'm ready to leave that darned place.

My Freelancing Jobs

Guess what? I'm currently a freelance journalist for three different organisations. Though the work has not come in yet, I feel honoured to be invited and my writing appreciated. I really hope I can pump in my ultimate best and further reassure their confidence in me.

I have always wondered how it feels like to be a freelance. I've seen, heard about freelancers: graphic designers, web designers, and now, I myself am a freelancer. It sounds cool, but I know this is all my investment for my future. I should have freelanced from the start, man.

Something Interesting

Oh, and I thought my diploma was useless, and I die-die had to chase a degree and even a Masters maybe.

But I was proven wrong when I saw this job ad in ST Recruit where they were looking for a Malay Language Executive at the Supreme Court. The job scope was that you had to translate court proceedings, attend court sessions, and the minimum qualification was a diploma from any discipline!

Oh man, if I do not get that scholarship and DWM, I'm so going for this job. I'm so sick of schooling life, assignments. Or if that's closed, I will go back to my SIP company. I do not mind starting from the bottom.

Grouses

I just want to join the workforce and pursue the Malay language. I'm sick of doing English and losing my touch for Malay.

I know I'm made for the Malay world, though I really do not understand the perspective of at least five friends I know.

In words of a correspondent whom I truly respect and admire, who also goes by the pen name A.B:

Kenapa dibangsatkan bahasa sendiri dan celakakan jiwa bangsa?

Oh gosh, I am damn relieved after today's meeting.

I am taking it up. It won't interfere with school work, and only can be done when I'm free.

Hmm, HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY!!

Falling.. Falling.. Falling.. SICK.

SHIT.
DAMN.
DAMN. I HATE GETTING SICK.

The last time I got sick was 24th September. When I was still working...there.

Damn, I miss that effing place a lot.

Tak lekang langsung kenangan yang telah ku lalui di sana. Damn it.

Kepada Hamba Allah A:

Ku kini dahaga seluruh rautmu
yang seringkali tergaris sebuah senyuman ikhlas
Ku tangis mendamba suaramu
yang tak putus menghambur tawa
dan senda yang menyinari hari-hariku
Ku perit mengemis lunaknya kekatamu
yang sering terngiang senasihat dua tanpa jemu
terucap hikmah yang tiada banding
hanya untuk membimbingku

Setiap detik
ku lihat namamu terpancar di ruang mataku
ku saksi lirikan yang menggetar naluri
ku harap kehadiran yang tiada tukar ganti
ku terdengar suara mengasyikkan diri
ku berpaling kecewa sekali lagi

Segalanya kini lenyap dari ruang mata
ibarat suatu mimpi yang berlalu pergi
dan sedihnya memeritkan
Di luar capaian tanganku dirimu
terasa sepi sunyi hidupku kini
tanpa bernaung di bawah sesusuk tubuhmu
yang mengerti hati ini

Entah bila 'kan kita ketemu lagi
supaya dapatku bertukar senda denganmu
supaya dapatku tertawa lagi
supaya dapatku kongsi pengalamanku
supaya dapatku sematkan cinta lagi
Aku akan menunggu
Setia menanti.

Kepada Hamba Allah B:

Ku tunggu warkah ringkasmu setiap saat nafasku
yang selalu berjaya menampal segaris senyuman
ke wajah aku yang sering bertukar sugul

Setiap kali ku terima warkahmu
hidupku kembali terpalit warna-warnanya
terdengar kicauan burung dan bahangnya mentari
indahnya kembali bumi yang sepi

Warkah-warkahmu tetap semat ku simpan
menjadikan ia kenangan pegangan jiwa
Ditatapi setiap malam di bawah panahan cahaya purnama
sebagai perangsang hidup hari kemudian

Ku tunggu-tunggu dengan hati yang berdebar
entah mengapa warkahmu itu juga yang ku damba
Meski sering berbalah 'tika bertemu
Namun pabila berjauh
benci bertukar menjadi rindu

Akan ku tunggu warkah seterusmu
supaya boleh ku ingat kembali
bagaimana gembiranya rasa hatiku
kala tersenyum lagi

Lenyap sudah kepercayaanku
kepada perosak jiwa yang orang panggil 'cinta'.
Cinta tidak pernah wujud
kerna ia sekadar mainan jiwa yang memberontak
dengungan cuping yang menghasut.
Cinta hanya bertujuan menyakitkan dan menyebalkan
menebalkan hati daripada terus merasai nikmat
Ia suatu perkara yang hipokrit
talam dua muka
yang riwayat hidupnya tercalar dengan kepedihan
Cinta tidak sepatutnya dibiar menjalar di merata-rata
hanya untuk melukakan yang tidak bersalah
Cinta terlalu zalim untuk dilalui
Hilang sudah kepercayaanku.
Lenyap sudah rasa kasihku.


I have lost faith in the thing
that only serve to destroy us, what people call 'love'
There's no such thing as love
it has always been child's play
A nightmare of the tumultuous, unrest soul
whispers of disquiet
Love only knows how to inflict hurt and pain
desensitizes the handicapped soul
building walls around the heart to evade all feelings
Love is a hypocrite
whose history is marred by wounds run deep
Let no love be spared
because it may hurt the innocent once more
Love is too destructive
I have lost my faith
I have lost my love.

AKU betul-betul tersentuh dengan lagu nyanyian kumpulan nasyid terunggul Malaysia, Raihan, dengan penyanyi mapan, Manbai, iaitu Harapan Ramadan.

Sejak sekian lamanya, aku tercari-cari lagu ini, kerana aku langsung tidak tahu akan judulnya. Entah mengapa hari ini, hatiku tergerak menaip 'raihan+ramadhan' di laman perkongsian fail dan video, YouTube, dan syukur, berakhir sudah pencarianku selama ini. Ajaib, subhanallah! :)

Dayunya suara lunak Nazry Johani sungguh mencuit tangkai hati, sementara bait-bait senikatanya membisikkan peringatan kepada Yang Esa dan sedikit sebanyak menyemai rinduku kepada Ramadhan yang telah aku persia. Senilagunya pula sangat enak didengari, dengan tempo-temponya yang syahdu.

Entah sampai ke tidak aku ke Ramadhan yang seterusnya, kan? Lagu ini mengingatkanku tentang banyak Ramadhan yang sudah aku bazirkan begitu sahaja.

Tetapi, yang paling hairannya, lagu tersebut telah mencetuskan ilham untuk menghasilkan filem pendek - tentang Ramadhan, tentang ibu bapa, tentang kesedihan, tentang kekecewaan.

Aku kecewa telah mempersia Ramadhan yang mulia, sedih tidak serakah merebut ganjaran pahala yang berlipat-ganda. Aku lalai dengan tarikan duniawi yang aku sendiri tahu tidak kekal. Aku meratapi kehilanganku.

Hmm, haruskah aku jejaki resa yang entah bila timbul dan tenggelamnya?

Namun, Ramadhan yang lalu membawa kenangan yang manis kerana aku menyambutnya buat kali pertama dan terakhir buat masa ini di tempat yang sangatku hargai, di mana aku meraih peluang dan pengalaman yang tiada tolok bandingnya.

Akhir kalam, nikmatilah alunan lagu mengasyikkan disertakan senikata menyentuh jiwa ini:

HARAPAN RAMADHAN
Raihan feat ManBai

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat ku lalui
dengan sempurna

Selangkah, demi selangkah
Setahun sudah pun berlalu
Masa yang pantas berlalu
Hingga tak terasa ku berada
di bulan Ramadhan semula

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat ku lalui
dengan sempurna

Puasa satu amalan
Sebagaimana yang diperintahNya
Moga dapatku lenturkan
nafsu yang selalu membelenggu diri
tiada henti-henti

Tak ingin ku biarkan
Ramadhan berlalu saja
Tuhan pimpinlah daku yang lemah
Mengharungi segalanya dengan sabar

Ku mengharapkan Ramadhan
kali ini penuh makna
Agar dapat ku lalui
dengan sempurna

Ku memohon pada Tuhan
diberikan kekuatan
Ku merayu pada Tuhan
diterima amalan

Selangkah demi selangkah
Dengan rahmatmu, oh Tuhanku
Ku tempuh jua

To accept or to reject.
This is like a huge crossroad in my life.
I have always wanted to be a stringer.
And some more it's not for the features section
It's for my original section.
Should I accept?
Seeing that this semester is nothing but work and work

-------------------------------------------------------------

Ok, I'm going to file three stories now for Advanced Journalism. Toodles. Damn.
But look on the bright side: at least it's something I like to do! Rather than that SIP report that took my peace and sleep away. :P