Of Ultimate Disappointment

Yeah right. This is not a fricking holiday. This is a fricking workliday. I need my sleep, damn it. Damn you, school. I hate you. You make me sick (which I am now, no voice, burning head). You stop me from pursuing my love (although you carry the name of my love this semester).

How I wish I knew what would happen in March 2010. Damn it. It feels so far away. I hate school. I hate school. At this rate, get a degree and endure fricking mugging? NO FRICKING WAY. I am so not cut out for mugging and suffering the mindless exams that seriously have no impact on your life later at all.

I hate that in Singapore you need a paper. That truly sucks. That really sucks. Someone told me to not stop studying now, that I am blessed to be studying and not working now. But I am not happy. Period. Shouldn't life be all about making yourself happy?

Someone give me 10 good reasons why I should get a fricking degree.

I AM TERRIBLY FKING SICK OF DISAPPOINTMENT.

I am disappointed that after so much effort
for all the lectures I paid attention closely to,
for all the pen inks that have been sacrificed to write notes,
for countless time spent on assignments,
all the brainwork,
all the mugging,
all the liaisons with lecturers,
the grades NEVER show do they?

It has been like this since secondary school and I am tired.
Really tired of all the disappointment.
It's just not gonna happen is it? SO much effort, but do I see Edusave Bursaries? Edusave Scholarships? Top positions? Directors' Honours List? CGPA 3.5? Nope. Others who never pump in the effort, the commitment, wow, achieve the abovementioned. Seriously? 0.0?

Year by year, I get disappointed. And year by year, the disappointment gets even worse and demoralising. Because as the years go by, the studies get even difficult and intense, but as I increase my effort and commitment, I also fall steadily harder. And it really hurts to see others 'succeeding' in their terms. It hurts that all my effort has gone to waste.

No DHLs, no Edusave Scholarships, no top positions, a seriously cannot make it GPA of 3.11 (I just checked. HAPPY NOW, CERTAIN UNDESIRABLE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN STALKING MY BLOG?)

FOR ONCE, CAN I PLEASE MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?

I know the six months I was there, I was very very happy.

I stressed more,
I cried harder,
I worried quadruple-fold more.
But I was happy.
I truly was.
And the best part: never once was I disappointed.

There was a lot of stress, tears, worry, angst,
but NEVER disappointment.
It was all worth it. Damn satisfying.
Never had it once disappointed me.
NEVER. I promise you. It has never.
In fact, I've never felt so satisfied, relieved, stressed, all in a day.
I will bring the feelings and six-month experience to my grave.
I will never forget this till my last breath.

DAMN IT SCHOOL. DAMN IT.

OMG. I just had a sudden realisation (theres a term for this in MedSoc). I need to go back after my diploma. I really do.

One thing for sure, I need not think about management position for now (which needs a degree). Now, I should focus on building my portfolio, pursuing excellent stories. Management and the degree requirement can come later. I am not gonna be a fricking manager now what.

I am going back. Insya allah, I am going back.