CAN SOMEONE PLEASE DAMN TELL ME WHY MY HOTMAIL INTERFACE IS SO BLOODY SCREWED UP?? ISIT BECAUSE OF INTERNET EXPLORER 8? DAMN IT! I WANT GOOGLE CHROME. DAMN IT.

Omfg, I'm so bloody tired that I feel numb to the exhaustion. I have this intuition of staying up although my insides are screaming and crying for rest.

Tomorrow's, or later in fact, is the on-campus session. Omg, how good can the timing get? I'm so tired. How I wish the on-campus session is after 25 Sept. HAHHAA. Ok, lame. I have so many things to do and up til my neck.

I just got back from my job at 12midnite and only now have the time to check my sked (which unfortunately won't show due to EFFING interface screwup) and blog.

----------------

Today had been such an extraordinary day.

One minute you're happy, and the next you're tearing your hair out, trying to think and strategise your next move, being ethical and objective.

Aku rasa tersepit sangat; di antara rasa hormat yang menggunung dan kepercayaanku yang tinggi dengan nilai persahabatan dan jalinan yang terbina dengan ikhlasnya.

Siapakah yang harusku dahulukan: yang tidak putus-putus membimbingku dan meraih rasa hormatku yang tidak terhitung lagi besarnya, ataupun kepada persahabatan yang ikhlas dan murni dihulur? Antara hormat dan persahabatan? Yang mana kah aku? Di manakah aku? Aku tersepit.

Atau permainan ini tidak lagi berhubung kait dengan persahabatan dan rasa hormat, tetapi satu permainan yang hanya ada dua lawan dan mustahil ada yang di tengah-tengah? Aku terjerat, di mana setiap kali aku bergerak, aku akan melukakan hatiku sendiri, merumitkan lagi keadaan, mengusik perasaan.

Yang aku sedihnya, yang sangat malangnya, aku masih sangat mentah dan tidak dapat berlaku saksama kerna aku hanya manusia yang kekontangan ilmu. Yang sedihnya, aku tidak kuat sama sekali. Sayang aku mentah lagi. KENAPA AKU MASIH MENTAH LAGI? KENAPA AKU TIDAK DIBERI PENGALAMAN LAGI? AKU BENCI JADI MENTAH. Aku ingin tabah, aku ingin memiliki pedoman dan prinsip, aku ingin memihak tetapi aku mentah. Aduh, sayangnya mentah.

Me kamzoor. Bohot kamzoor. Batau na, kya problem hai? kyun?

Heck, I would trade for 10 chess games anytime (Note: I HATE CHESS) than be faced with this one more time.

How I wish I wasn't involved;
how I wish I hadn't seen him that darned day to express what was bothering me;
how I wish I had shut my mouth up and not get messed up in the mess;
how I wish I had that just a wee bit of tolerance to keep myself quiet;
how I wish I had the power to stop all this from happening and destroying the people I respect and love most;
how I wish this wasn't true and it was a nightmare;
how I wish it was just a prank;
how I wish it was an innocent game played by many players;
how I wish I could look at him as how I did when I first met him;
how I wish I could do more;
how I wish I could be of more help than simply just stuttering and covering my face;
how I wish I could somehow be the solution to clear the mess;
how I wish people could just simply practise loving each other more;
oh HOW I WISH.
Kash, kash..

It's such a huge entanglement which I find no solution to it. None. None that I can see unless by His grace.

I know I'm not involved, but to see so many people whom I truly respect, whom I truly appreciate the guidance, whom I cherish the hand of friendship, all balled up in one huge mess, that I cannot see. That I cannot take it. God, kash.. Kash me kamzoor nahi. Kash. Kash.

God, if you please hear me, stop all this and embed love and respect and calm in their hearts, I can only pray for all of them now, because I am not strong enough to do anything.

Ya Allah, please show them that there is more to life, like trust, friendship, than hatred and rife. Ya Allah, perkenankanlah. Hear me, please.