See Ash's expression. Nice.. Heartwrenching. You can just imagine how much she rindu the husband in the film 'Guru'.
*Screencaps* Sweet gila kan? *floats off*
Broken Heart VS Whole Heart
I wonder whether I could love someone as much as she did? (or as a matter of fact, how can ANYBODY love to such an extent edging on impossible?)
After being so broken, heartbroken and disappointed much, I wonder if a numbed heart would be able to give love as it. This is compared to the time when it was whole and solid before.
I think it is a great difference when a broken heart loves again, as compared to a whole heart. Perhaps, it is because the broken heart has been imbibing pain and hurt for so long, it became numb and drained of any strong emotion.
Except revenge and inflicting back the pain it suffered, the broken heart can perhaps be put in the fractured limb analogy. Yes, it may be healed in time, but the fracture line would forever be scarred in itself.
The strength of the whole
Whereas a whole heart devoid of hurt and pain, could love as fully as possible because it hasn't experienced the excruciating pain of giving its soul away to someone else. The whole, unbroken heart could wile away and lose itself to the other heart.
The whole heart could love unwittingly, unkonwingly and fully commit to its better half. I would love to return to this stage, so I will not shortchange the better half of his right. But God knows this is impossible because like porcelain, once broken, you cannot fix it back seamlessly no matter how hard you'd try.
Analogies of the broken
So there, that's how I feel. Because a heart once broken, is never properly healed. It may look ok at first glance, but you will never know inside, it bears wounds of the past. I think only an out-of-this-world love will be able to set the broken heart right again.
Like a putty filling up holes in the wall seamlessly, like the asphalt layering the roads smoothly and filling up any minuscule gap, that sort of love will repair the broken heart again. But alas, I must say there is no such love as remedying as that. No one will be able to love to such an extent. Or is there? We may not be sure.
The story
You must be wondering why am I sputtering such *nonsense* at 314am in the morning. Well, pardon me, my thoughts organise themselves at an optimum condition in such wee hours of the morning.
Two of my closer friends, after listening to me talk about my life, have diagnosed myself as broken. Weird, but never impossible.
I may be strong on the outside and supportive, but inside, somehow I am crumbling. So it is true that the person who laughs hardest is in fact the one needing the most help. And the person who lends support to others, is the one who is in need of most support.
Maybe it is a SOMETHING effect (there's a specific jargon for it, but I forgot), to alleviate the person's need for support. So in turn, he/she renders a lot of support for others.
I raised my red flag of danger a few days back when I observed myself ranting my innermost feelings and desires. I didn't know I was that weak inside until I forced myself to tell the truth and stop covering up every single feeling I had. Boy, that shocked me and my two friends to no end.
One of them in an email repeated her responses at least thrice. She couldn't believe that someone who had supported her all these years was crumbling and a weakling herself. Another even apologised because she was afraid she was one of the root causes for my debilitating breakdown.
Resolution
I don't really like to talk much about my life, as I do writing it. That's why I deflect questions, or cover up with a smile as I usually do or go in erratic screamings of excitement (defensive mechanism). I'd very much prefer writing it, such as in this blog. I feel I've done justice to whatever questions I may have in life.
Right now, I'm on my way to healing and I hope I can heal in time. I wouldn't want the love of my life to stroll into my days and seeing a broken, unwholesome woman who is just simply bent on revenge, hurt, melancholy and sadness.
I just wish my smile would be more sincere in the advent of the coming days. Pray for me :)
~
Yours truly,
AishAin
Your friend, sister, neighbour, enemy, fiend, bitch-partner.
XXXOOO
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