How I was feeling so sad, disappointed and so tired, all rolled into one. Maybe I was tired physically, because I slept at around 4am, yet waking up at 8am to conduct interviews and file stories before 12 or 1pm. Maybe I was just tired from being in front of the laptop everyday, 12-15 hours at a time.
I have so many things going on in my life,
I have so many things I want to achieve,
I have so many disappointments to grapple with,
I have so many wounds to nurse,
I have so much tears to stave off,
I have so many negative thoughts to block,
I have so much fatigue.
Have you ever ever felt so emotionally- and physically-drained, that you feel you don't have anymore feelings at all? You feel so desensitized, you've lost the humanity in you. You've lost the essence of being human. You've become fake to the world, fake to your truth.
It doesn't help that the person you once had feelings for keep busting the boundaries to abuses and cussing, all to annoy you. It may be funny, but every day? It's not, and especially when you're in a fragile state of mind. Fragility, where even perhaps, mortality seemed possible.
It really isn't a laughing matter. It's obscenely NOT funny. I've stopped laughing sincerely and smiling truthfully. I feel so fake. But I cannot show the world my melancholy can I? I feel the need to portray a smile, project a laugh, pretend to be happy to the world. I may not want to appear... weak.
Why am I writing like this? Ish.
I've been blessed with a work I love, but in that, I lose myself.
When I've been blessed with fulfillment and enjoyment, I lose the work.
We can never have both, can we? At least for me, though.
What can I do?
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