01 00 hrs, 24th January

First, it was my paternal grandmother. She left me suddenly, without even letting me say a tiny goodbye, for good. As she left in her keranda carried by my father and my uncles to Choa chu Kang, my heart shattered to pieces and the hardness and ignorance just fizzled away. I was disappointed and hated myself for not appreciating her whilst she was alive.

She was there all these years and I didn't bother to look in to her and ask about. I only see her during Hari Raya and that is it. And one fine year, in 2005, she just went away. I cried myself to pieces every night, grieving badly. I hated myself. I blamed circumstances. I blamed myself for not being with her.

I knew CPR and how I wish I was with her and maybe I could even resuscitate her. I cried in the library all the time during MT periods and I took off and cried my worst, broke my defences, when Ily and somebody mentioned death and cemeteries. I was offended to the maximum at that point in time. How I wish time would turn back. But no, we have to move on in life. Till now, I still wonder whether things would have been different if I was there with her. And if I wasn't, I would not feel so bloody guilty for not lokking into her when I could have.

One night, I was awakened by my mum at 3.25 in the morning. We were going to Kuala Lumpur after all these years. I was excited and could hardly sleep. I think I slept at around one am. I was surprised she woke me up so early because she told me the night before to set my alarm in my handphone at before subuh (5.30am plus minus). In the darkness of my room, she told me briskly and fearfully, whilst stroking my head, "Nyayi has died. Wake up. Bapak has gone to Bibik Yah's house (that's where Nyayi lived, with her daughter, my aunt)."

I couldn't register it in my brain and I went "Huh?" and followed her out of my room. I laid down on my father's mattress and stared at a cupboard. I was eerily silent. Then, the tears flowed out, little by little and then I cried. I was thinking of my stupidity, how I won't get to taste her unbelievable sambal goreng and dalca kambing whose scent remains in your fingers even three days after eating them. Yeps. Her food was that good and aromatic and indescribable. Most importantly, I had failed horribly as a granddaughter whom I knew deep down she loved a lot. I knew it, but I wasn't brave enough to reciprocate. She was kind of unapproachable, but beneath all that, she loves all of us to the core.

Another shocking death and stirred me up quite significantly was Benazir Bhutto's. Although I may not be in Pakistan and experiencing the political turmoil, I felt for Pakistan and I felt a grave sense of loss. I knew she was alive all these while, she came back to Pakistan from exile, the Pakistani people's love for her and all of a sudden, I was thrown off balance when I was watching PrimeTime morning whilst on my way to school in bus 8: "Shooting and suicide bombing: Bhutto feared dead".

I was in denial. No, Benazir Bhutto is not dead. She can't be dead. She is one of the strongest women I have ever seen in my whole life. No, she is just FEARED dead. She is not dead. She may be wounded, yes. But she isn't dead. Nope. Fat chance. Then, the next day, as usual I will read the front page of Berita Harian. The headlines were traumatising: "Benazir Bhutto mati dibunuh." In solid, black, large font, right smack into my eyes. I couldn't believe it. The strongest woman had fallen.

After that, the media was abuzz with analyses and commentaries on Bhutto and her political as well as personal life. I was crushed because I just couldn't face it. I remembered my grandmother a lot.

Another death. This time to my former guardian. I call him Yayi, in Javanese meaning 'grandfather'. My mum told me that he and I were very close last time when I was around 1-3 years old. He was very caring and was seriously lovable. I can still remember his throaty voice and laugh. His health degenerated over the years. And again? I did not bother to go see him and ask about him. One day, in 200-something, my mum was dressed in white and was putting on her white tudung clumsily. "Yayi died, Ain." As the stupid that I am, I could not feel anything. Well, you can only remember stuff up till you were five, and no more than that, so I couldn't remember Yayi's care that well. Now, as I type this, the monstrosity of it all just sank. I lost Yayi too. I lost Yayi and I didn't harbour any thoughts, not until now.

Now that you all have seen the monster in me, I guess your opinions of me have changed. I know, I am terribly in guilt. I am paying for my guilt heavily now and forever. I typed this entry in response to Heath Ledger's sudden death. All these 4 people have died extremely suddenly. Heath Ledger was an extremely talented actor, whom I was beginning to know and understand and like. After I signed out from Hotmail, the news bulletin in MSN struck me and I carried on finding articles about his death.

His death, though not as significant as especially my grandmother's and grandfather's (yes, I'll take him as the grandfather I never had), and Benazir Bhutto's deaths, had tauught me an invaluable lesson that I am still trying to grapple with. Life is never infallible. Lives are fragile, and worse than that glass chandeliers you see. Because once people are gone, they are gone. they never come back, even if you shed tears of blood or tear your eyes out. Appreciate people when they are alive because once they are not here, you'll never get a chance no mroe. No more chances.

There have been enough, plenty of chances, but have you ever grabbed them at every opportunity you could? Because I know I did not and I don't want any of you to encounter the pain of loss like I did. I have learnt a lesson in the most painful manner ever and I have learnt well. Be the person who can let go of people when they finally go to rest because you have no regrets at all and know you have appreciated and spent hell a lot of quality time together. Time and tide waits for no man. We have to make time. You just have to. Else, it'll be too late. I'm thinking, what other do I have to face in year 2008? What does God have in store for me? More deaths? More pain? More heartbreak? What I know is that whatever He throws at me, I will accept and try not to have any regrets. I am doing my best. How about you?