I've had around 4 hours of sleep since yesterday, broken into 2 hour sessions. My head is spinning and aching for proper sleep and food. My body feels funny and I find myself trembling in fatigue.
This is really not helping because I have a mountainload of work to complete and so many liaisons to keep track of. I'm trying to gather my wits, and I'm struggling. Badly.
And I'm not sure whether it's because to the lack of sleep that I am like this or am I now starting to put a price on my passion? It's not that I am berkira (translate: calculative), but I have been using my savings to fund my transport and food. My bank money is depleting rapidly and I cannot ask from my parents.
That aside, I'm listening to Asma Ul' Husna to calm myself down. His melodic 99 names truly soothes my nerves and soul. His names remind me of how merciful He has been since I was in azali,
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I just have so many things running through my mind. Applying or not for a full-time job (which I most likely will hate since I have no inclination or interest in anything else except journalism), freelance work, SIM application, no money to study.
Mum is not helping by pressurising me to enter local university. What is up with her and Dad? I cannot enter local uni, no matter how thick my portfolio. My grades CMI. Even the place which granted me the portfolio in the first place has rejected me, what more other places.
She and Dad says they can use CPF to fund my studies in local u. True. But I cannot fricking enter can't they get that bloody crucial part??
It's really disheartening. They simply refuse to understand and this had been the fastest in life they brushed me and my explanations off.
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Alhamdulillah, Allah has granted me the patience (which I never knew I had). Alhamdulillah. It's ok, this is a challenge, and I know He loves me, thus the challenge. He will not test me if it's beyond my means. But I feel so demoralised and so empty.
Please shine your Taufik and Hidayah on me. I need help, for I no more than a small, helpless creature in your Light.
Please, ya Malik, ya Khaliq, ya Rahman, ya Rahim. Help me.
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